It is, in all honestly, far better written than that dinosaur snuff porn…
If You Were a Chipmunk
If you were a chipmunk you would be a five-foot-eleven-inch chipmunk that stood up on its hind legs and bared its chipmunky incisors and I would build a hutch for you and sleep under it wearing my pink seersucker tutu.
If you were a chipmunk you would be the hottest coolest chipmunk in the known world, that is the new magical world of equality and egalitarian equalness which is now ruled by extremely perfect special rulers.
If you were a chipmunk and I were a chipmunk admirer I would lead you on a golden chipmunk chain that was totally unlike the chains of slavery or other types of oppression out into the dark forest of white people.
If you were a chipmunk and I were someone who jacked off majestically while thinking of chipmunks I would lead you into that dark forest where boorish bad-old-boy rednecks waved rifles around and chewed snuff.
If you were a chipmunk and I was an avid egalitarian chipmunk supporter I would lead you into that dark forest with your sharpened chipmunky chipmunk teeth so you could tear out the throats of all the people on the following list who ever since the dawn of time voted for Ted Cruz; here are their home addresses so you can burn their houses down with your chipmunky matches held in your chipmunky paws.